Looking through the window at holidays
Most of the time I feel like I’ve blended in to nypical society pretty well, but the holidays always come to remind me that I’ll always be an outsider in certain ways. This Halloween was no exception.
One problem with holidays is that it produces millions and millions of images, many of which by the poses and expressions serve to remind me of my own differences. I’d like to pose and smile like the people in the photos, but I can’t quite do it. Most of the time, I hardly notice how I look and carry myself relative to others, but at times like this I can’t miss it, and it kind of hurts.
Now that Halloween has passed and the parties are over, I see photos of people bunched together in groups, cheek to cheek and smiling big smiles, and I think . . . that is something I could never do. Not for lack of desire, mind you; I just don’t know how to accomplish it, or perhaps I don’t know how to get away with it without offending everyone horribly or making a fool of myself.
Here are two examples from the stream of pictures that passes my Facebook account every day. My apologies to the people depicted in these shots as I’m sure you never meant them to be used in this way . . .
How do you smile on command like the females in these shots? When people ask to take a picture of me, this is the usual result:
I felt like I behaved just fine with the photo of me and Kevin was taken. I think he was okay too. But look at the difference between me and those three females, or even between me and Kevin. Such a difference of expression, and I know I'm weak in this area so I was trying to compensate!
We all smile on command to some extent. I smiled for Kevin, but it’s barely recognizable when held up against the females. Some people smile so naturally. I thought I was smiling when my picture was taken, and indeed you can see a hint of it on my face. But I can’t do those big smiles on command, no matter how I try.
And the expressions aren’t the only thing that sets me apart. There’s also the posing. I look at photos like the one of Jackie pressed up against her friends and I ask myself, how do you know when it’s appropriate to pose like that? When, and for how long?
I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a photo of myself like Jackie’s, even when I was a kid. I just don’t know how to get that close to someone else and pose. I think other people must have an instinctive sense of how to hold themselves and act; whatever it is, it’s missing in me.
What feeling is conveyed in Jackie’s pictures? Perhaps the fact that I don’t know explains why I can’t imagine being in shots like that, even though I know millions of other people posed just like her lat weekend, and had fun doing so.
Most of the time, people say I’m a serious looking guy, and that’s okay. But there seem to be times when others lighten up in appearance, and I don’t seem to have that figured out. I think I’ve learned how to fit in really well, and then I see images like these, that show how different I really am in some ways, and I know it will never change.
I’m glad I’ve at least earned the respect of many people, and my serious demeanor is acceptable 99.9% of the time. The pictures will fade, and I’ll still be here just as I always am. I don’t know where I’d be without that knowledge . . .
Still, I sometimes think I’d be happier in a world without cameras. I cringe to think this is only the beginning. We have Thanksgiving coming, then Christmas, and finally New Year’s. Two months of stress, at the worst possible time – when the days are dark and cold. I can’t wait till it’s all behind me.
One problem with holidays is that it produces millions and millions of images, many of which by the poses and expressions serve to remind me of my own differences. I’d like to pose and smile like the people in the photos, but I can’t quite do it. Most of the time, I hardly notice how I look and carry myself relative to others, but at times like this I can’t miss it, and it kind of hurts.
Now that Halloween has passed and the parties are over, I see photos of people bunched together in groups, cheek to cheek and smiling big smiles, and I think . . . that is something I could never do. Not for lack of desire, mind you; I just don’t know how to accomplish it, or perhaps I don’t know how to get away with it without offending everyone horribly or making a fool of myself.
Here are two examples from the stream of pictures that passes my Facebook account every day. My apologies to the people depicted in these shots as I’m sure you never meant them to be used in this way . . .
How do you smile on command like the females in these shots? When people ask to take a picture of me, this is the usual result:
I felt like I behaved just fine with the photo of me and Kevin was taken. I think he was okay too. But look at the difference between me and those three females, or even between me and Kevin. Such a difference of expression, and I know I'm weak in this area so I was trying to compensate!
We all smile on command to some extent. I smiled for Kevin, but it’s barely recognizable when held up against the females. Some people smile so naturally. I thought I was smiling when my picture was taken, and indeed you can see a hint of it on my face. But I can’t do those big smiles on command, no matter how I try.
And the expressions aren’t the only thing that sets me apart. There’s also the posing. I look at photos like the one of Jackie pressed up against her friends and I ask myself, how do you know when it’s appropriate to pose like that? When, and for how long?
I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a photo of myself like Jackie’s, even when I was a kid. I just don’t know how to get that close to someone else and pose. I think other people must have an instinctive sense of how to hold themselves and act; whatever it is, it’s missing in me.
What feeling is conveyed in Jackie’s pictures? Perhaps the fact that I don’t know explains why I can’t imagine being in shots like that, even though I know millions of other people posed just like her lat weekend, and had fun doing so.
Most of the time, people say I’m a serious looking guy, and that’s okay. But there seem to be times when others lighten up in appearance, and I don’t seem to have that figured out. I think I’ve learned how to fit in really well, and then I see images like these, that show how different I really am in some ways, and I know it will never change.
I’m glad I’ve at least earned the respect of many people, and my serious demeanor is acceptable 99.9% of the time. The pictures will fade, and I’ll still be here just as I always am. I don’t know where I’d be without that knowledge . . .
Still, I sometimes think I’d be happier in a world without cameras. I cringe to think this is only the beginning. We have Thanksgiving coming, then Christmas, and finally New Year’s. Two months of stress, at the worst possible time – when the days are dark and cold. I can’t wait till it’s all behind me.
Comments
Woof !
I remember your analysis of "inappropriate smiling" in your book, and I think maybe, if this all concerns you, just don't worry what's going on. Don't think about cameras or being recorded. Think, "I am glad to be here with my friend(s)" and see what the pictures look like then. However they look, you'll be recording the real you, and that's what anybody who wants your picture really wants. :) Woof!
So I take your points, but I think the difference in someone like me remains.
And I do appreciate that folks like you recognize a genuineness in people like me because that means a lot when we (I) see things that make us feel isolated or different.
Don't change a thing.
And that comment about wishing away cameras? C'mon now. We know how much you love photography!
#1 - you are not female
#2 - you are not as young and free spirited as they are right now (now you will say you weren't that way when you were their ages - refer to #1)
#3 - refer to JoJo - be yourself, you are helping educate us all and BELIEVE ME we are so VERY appreciative
#4 - differences are what makes the world go around
#5 - the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, *but i promise - it isn't*
You should take a whole new outlook on the holidays and try to enjoy them John, please, see your family, laugh about funny past antics and hug when you feel like it and when you don't - DON'T!
I will pray you have peaceful holidays like they are intended to be. You are supposed to worry about the house being clean and everyone liking the food and your gifts....... ;)
The main thing, in your photo is that your eyes are smiling, and that is important.
I have AS.
Only you can notice that missing emotion in the photo, to everyone else it looks good.
i too love the lack of pretense in you, john. it's the same quality i adore in my daughter. when you do smile, i know it's real. when you laugh, it's because you found something funny. there's no guile, no bullsht. i relish that.
i won't try to explain away the differences that you see, though as the commenters before me have pointed out, many of them CAN be explained.
what i will do is offer into evidence one of my all time favorite photos.
middle of the page ..
http://jesswilson.wordpress.com/2009/07/21/drama/
woof, my friend.
It still feels so fake, and I still get a twisting feeling in my stomach every time the cameras come out, but hey, at least my friends are happy and have photos of me now.
It is a strange problem I have, I know. But there it is.
You look appropriate. You look like yourself.
And no one here would want you any different.
I would like to honor your feelings, and the pain it brings you. I understand.
Your honesty in naming it and owning it - well, it's what makes you a true original. And as Jess pointed out - you are indeed "true".
But yes indeed, many of the female species are well practices at "camera face". Hey, it's important, especially when photos end up on facebook and authors with thousands of followers post them on their blogs! ;)
cheers, woof j
It makes me recall your articles/blog on the "look" of Aspergers. My husband recently repainted our hallway and hung up some more pictures one of them including me at the age of about 2 or 3 . If I saw the child in the picture today I would recognoze her(me) as having the "look" as well not anywhere close to NT smiling.
A couple of further observations which some of your other readers have touched on: women tend to pose in this way much more than men in general. It's interesting to me, looking at people's photos in Facebook and other social sites, how many women's profile pictures either include someone else in them, or else it is clear that they were next to someone else (often a male), who is cropped out of the photo. I haven't done any scientific analysis, but my observation is that for men, it is very rare that their profile picture has someone else in it. The only exceptions seem to be for significant other, children, parents, or other family members, and certainly there is almost never someone else in the photo who is cropped out. This suggests to me that men usually like to have their photo taken by themselves. It's interesting that this gender difference manifests itself in this way.
For even nypical men, it's not clear how to pose for the camera with either men or women. If it's not someone that you have a special relationship with, then shoulder-to-shoulder, such as your photo, is the right way to go. If you want to convey a deeper friendship, then put your arm on your friend's shoulder.
Also, now that we have digital cameras with instant feedback, I too sometimes feel like I am smiling big for a photo, but looking at the playback, realize that I am not smiling as big as I thought. Usually I see that my mouth is closed, and then retake the photo with an open-mouthed big grin. For many people, they are not as demonstrative as they think they are being.
I echo what several readers have said: genuineness is what we appreciate, so be yourself rather than force a fake-looking smile. The main thing is to relax and enjoy yourself, don't worry too much about the camera knowing that there will always be a next time.
Another thing I've noticed is that for younger folks who have grown up in what I sometimes call the paparazzi generation, they grow tired of the typical happy smile photos, and really enjoy hamming it up with all sorts of OTHER expressions for their own photos. They're not afraid of how others will perceive it. This level of abandon often translates as vivaciousness no matter the type of expression.
my aspie son is either honest in his expressions in phots or overcompensating, in which case, he looks pretty nutty.
i say best to be honest in your expressions. i still see your grin. it's a bit sly, but it's there.
The other day his best friends mother wanted to take a photo of her son with his friends and, knowing my sons anti photo stance, asked him if he wanted to be part of it. He politely declined, but just before she pressed the shutter button he jumped in. It's the most natural relaxed smily photo I've ever seen of him. Maybe you need to try that technique. Less thinking, more spontaneity!
I wish I could smile big smiles on demand, but I understand your point that a genuine expression - subtle as it may be - has a certain value.
I was also glad to hear from Jackie whose picture I cribbed . . . she had put it in the public stream on Facebook so anyone could see it but I don't guess she expected I'd hold it up to a few thousand people in quite this fashion!
She's a nice person and a good model for smiling a genuine smile on command. I'm sure her smiles are real and they're sure more expressive than anything I can do.
I have to trick my son with a poor taste joke to get him to smile authentically. Same with my husband.
I have yet to try that on the father in law. Perhaps over the holidays. ; )
Woof!
I'm notorious for looking ridiculous in photographs - awkward, tortured, blinkingly ill at ease - it is a family joke. She noted that I do fine if either of my children are taking the picture, probably because I'm looking at THEM and not the camera. I'm a sucker for my kids."
I sense you are really not alone in this - I think more of us simply need to admit it, and stop looking at photographs as a beauty contest.
He has his perfect picture smile and what a handsome young man he is!
woof!