Video and Me

In my book, I talk about things people say to start conversations. Being conversatioanlly handicapped, I pay close attention to things like that. Often, they start with a question, or a statement followed by a question. This weekend, I went to Lake George, where a bunch of my friends are vacationing, and I met Rich and Jackie’s son-in-law.

He said, “I’m a service manager for Firestone. What do you do?” I think he expected me to say I did something with cars, since Bob and I were talking about radiators when he attempted to join the conversation, but that’s not what I said.

Thinking fast, I said, “Actually, I work in the movie industry. I produce adult films. Now, of course, they’re not film at all. They’re DVD. But we call them films. I’ll bet you’ve even seen some of my productions.”

Well, that brought the conversation to a standstill. Bob’s wife Celeste, sitting next to me, said, “Is that true? Or it another bizarre carp story?” For brevity’s sake, I will have to explain “carp story” another time. In the interest of tranquility, I conceded that I was not a pornographer, and conversation restarted with a small bump.

Which brings me to the point of this post.

Have you ever filmed yourself? Well, I hadn’t either, until last week.

My publicist at Crown is working to present me to a wider world, as my book moves into the market. Since I’m not a public figure, one of the things media people wonder when she calls is, how does this guy look and sound in real life? Is he a drooling idiot or the next George Clooney?

They’re all too tactful to say that, but I’m sure that’s a good approximation of what they think.

I decided the best way to address that concern was to get a video recorder and tape myself talking about the book. So I did that. And son of a bitch! They were right! I do look like a drooling idiot! Can it be?

Let me tell you . . . if you didn't know me, and you looked at the tape, and someone told you how far I've gotten in life, you would be amazed. Him, you would say? That freak? No way! Clearly, there is a significant misalignment between the reality of my life and what's currently depicted on video. And we must bring those two into alignment, and soon.

So I am practicing reading and talking before the camera, until I get it right. Yet another skill one has to learn to be a successful author. Until I watched, I actually had no idea I made some of the facial expressions I saw. No wonder some kids find me funny, and others run for cover. At least now I know. I always thought it was the bad manners, or the funny clothes.

I have also been studying "Manners for Dummies" and buying new clothes at a feverish pace. A slow feverish pace.

I told the folks in New York I’d have this video last week, but it’s clear I need more practice. A few more days worth, at least. But I’ll keep at it. By the time they see the finished product, no one will ever know how I looked at the start.

And I learned one more thing. Lucrative as it may sound, I would need a whole ‘nother skill set to enter the adult film industry. I can tell people about it at parties, but actually doing it . . . if I can’t even get a good film of me standing still . . . But just listening to me, how would they know? As a child, I learned this secret: The more outrageous a thing you say, the more readily people believe you, provided you say it with a serious expression.