Life at the other end of the IQ range

I just finished reading an advance copy of Lottery, by Patricia Wood. Lottery is a novel, but it's not just entertainment. It’s a beautifully written tale of human nature that led me to think of some of the people I’ve known in my own life. I recommend you go to Amazon and pre-order it, immediately.

http://www.amazon.com/Lottery-Patricia-Wood/dp/0399154493/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b/102-7890411-8326560


Lottery is the story of Perry, who’s slow. Not retarded, just slow. Perry wins the Washington state lottery and his life changes forever. Perry is not a fast thinker. He’s a methodical, careful thinker. But he doesn’t have to think about his feelings. And those are like all of ours, but they are rendered clearer by the lack Perry’s lack of “mental clutter.” In fact, you might say Perry is a giant, a genius, when it comes to understanding human nature.

Patricia’s book made me think of my own life, and my friends, and some of the people I’ve known over the years who are “slow,” or just “slower than me.”

Her book made me glad I was never one of those kids at school that called the slow ones, "retard!" But how could I? Thats what they said that about me. I was one of them, just smarter. And with less feelings, or so it seemed.

I remember the first time I realized I was smarter than someone else. I was thirteen years old, showing my grandmother what I’d learned about electronics. It hit me out of the blue: she did not understand what I was talking about at all. Somehow, I just knew: she was not quite as smart as me.

Suddenly, I felt sad, and scared. I was sad because she wasn’t as smart as me. I assumed that meant she would not be able to share in what I was doing. I felt scared, too, because she was the grownup I looked up to most of all, and she was supposed to be better than me. She was the one who was supposed to be smarter. I was just a kid.

As it turned out, my feelings were misplaced. My grandmother did share in what I did, and right up to the end of her life, she bragged about her John Elder to anyone who’d listen. And I didn’t look up to her any less.

As a grownup, I’ve written about what it’s like to be Aspergian, and I’ve written about the advantages of being the way I am. If you read my stories, you’ll find that one thing I never claim is any Aspergian advantage in finding happiness.

Like other highly intelligent Aspergians (there are a fair number of us) I have a lot going for me. I’m smart. I’m creative. I’m kind and gentle. I have a nice family and a successful business. With all that, some would say I have it made. But even with all those things, happiness and contentment continue to elude me.

I’ve written how I’m happier now than I was as a teenager, but that’s not saying much. True happiness and contentment are what you see looking into the eyes of a well-loved dog. Those pure feelings are seldom seen in humans. Why not? I don’t know about you, but I always second guess what I hear. Do they really mean that? Are they just trying to take advantage of me? What do they really want? I can never just accept things as they are.

And dogs can tell who likes them, and who doesn’t. They know it, almost instinctively. With all my brains, I still can’t figure that out half the time.

When I do a job, I never stop worrying. Will people like it? Did I make a mistake? What if people ridicule me for it? Even though I am confident in my technical skills, I am never able to sit back and enjoy my accomplishments.

I believe this worry, self doubt, and angst goes hand in hand with intelligence. The smarter you are, the more you realize all the myriad ways things can go wrong. Without that understanding, a dog is content to live his life day to day, something I can never do.

I felt a little sad at the end of her book, realizing Perry had found something I may never have, and there are real people just like him around me now. Knowing that makes my own advantages, such as they are, seem a little less wonderful.

I guess the grass always seems greener. It’s a powerful book, and I’m sure you’re all going to read about her this summer.